tiptoeing

I spent my childhood being very careful about what I should and should not say.  There was always the threat of eternal damnation floating over my head.  It was that mortal fear which, ironically, turned me into a passionate liar.  I was tired of being judged for my thoughts and beliefs – I thought that perhaps if I just didn’t tell the people threatening the destination of my soul, God would judge me less.  Who knows?  Maybe he’d overlook the white lies entirely.

It wasn’t like I tried to cast spells or have coitus with everything that breathed.

But then, the lies start to weight heavily on one’s chest – the little burdens that fill your pack until it pulls ruthlessly on your shoulders, tearing skin and twisting muscle.  I had to stop.  It was getting impossible to keep track of the falsehoods.

These days, the only people I lie to are my parents.  Somehow, I can’t shake the guilty feeling and the hellfire eyes.  I don’t even believe in eternal damnation, but I don’t want to take the chance of my father having a little one-on-one with his God and flooding out his many disappointments about his worldly, rebellious daughter.  Because I don’t know for sure what will happen when I die.

I do know that I don’t want to talk about it.

Careful.” – Daily Post, Oct. 10, 2016

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I strive to be intelligent, creative, brave, strong, patient, kind, and happy. What more is there in this world?

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