Deflated

For myself (and many others), 2016 was a let down.  It came in strong, full of sparkle and shine, then deflated in the middle.  Now it’s sitting in the corner of the room, like a forgotten birthday balloon that got swept under a bed.  As we’re approaching the last week of the year, I sincerely hope 2016 isn’t waiting for a standing ovation, because it’s not getting one from me.

I started this year bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  I had a good job, we were already looking around for apartments back in New Hampshire to move in the summer.  My husband and I had only been married three months and everything was lovely.  My world didn’t fall apart until August into September this year, and my outer layers kept flaking off like the shell of a hard-boiled egg.

After my miscarriage, my health started to suffer, brought on likely by both stress and depression.  My headaches started getting bad again.  I had no appetite (still don’t most days).  I wasn’t sleeping.  I’ve had the flu already this winter and am fighting off a terrible cold.  And the stomach cramps – I’ve never suffered them before, but now they come on at random with such crippling intensity that I want to curl in a corner and cry.  It took a lot of yoga and a swift kick in the arse to start bringing that back around.  Even now, I struggle with resurgences of that deep depression, and physical health struggles.  As though I hadn’t put myself through enough, Christmas was financially difficult for us.  Doubled with my own reckless spending (a bi-product of my depression), I’ve been watching our finances like a hawk.

Outside of my personal well-being, the election in November was a strong blow to my hopes for the future, and my faith in the basic goodness of humanity.  I don’t want to talk about that because everyone has a very strong opinion about it.  And I don’t want to fight – I’m exhausted.

If only for these reasons, I’m ready to wish 2016 a hasty adieu.

This week, I want to focus on the ways I’m going to take back my life.  I want to dwell on it, meditate on it, let it fill my consciousness and try to make it real.  I want to focus on saving money, having a baby, practicing yoga every day, and renewing my determination to find time to be creative.  Over the next four days, I want to talk a little bit about each of these topics, and why they are so important to me as 2017 rolls in.

These are not “resolutions”.  These are lifestyle changes that I need to put in place for my own health and happiness.

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I strive to be intelligent, creative, brave, strong, patient, kind, and happy. What more is there in this world?

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